I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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