words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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