God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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