On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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