And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
