Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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