now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
