he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize