can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
