nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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