He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
