well I can't set my house on fire every night
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
