Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
id be glad to
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
