if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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