Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
