My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
