Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
