Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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