Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
