she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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