A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize