what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
