Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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