question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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