turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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