i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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