It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
