I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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