i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
