I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
