Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize