I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
