the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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