this boner is exhausting
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
