you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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