Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just gift wrapped bread.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
