walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
