And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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