Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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