Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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