I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
