I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
