don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
