How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
