I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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