I think my fart just growled at me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My day in three words: secret purse cake
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
