and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
