Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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