i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
