She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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