Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
...so i touched it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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