I looked at my own cervix.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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