I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
